


Never Not

by SeLBanewood (orphan_account)



Series: Song Fics [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Implications of suicide, Limited fluff, M/M, Magnus not coping well, Malec forever, Moving On, Widow, mostly sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:25:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/SeLBanewood
Summary: Magnus loses his husband and the love of his life.It's been hours, months, and years, but the pain is still horribly poignant.He remembers back to when Alec was alive, contemplating how his life is now as a widow.





	Never Not

**Author's Note:**

> This was based largely around the song Never Not by Lauv  
> you can listen to it [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/4fFfyouye6vrX9o9z4PVMu?si=V3dPCNrKSIuTYapY0YGhBg)  
> (There is an implication of suicide so please keep that in mind if it is a trigger)

Monday.

It was a Monday night when Alec and Magnus bought their first house together. Their own home.

Magnus remembers walking in backwards through the front doors, gently guiding Alec along. He wasn’t as thrilled about walking in with a blindfold, but he humoured Magnus.

Once they were in the centre of the living room, Magnus stopped.

“Okay, you can take them off”

Alec’s eyes took a moment to adjust to the room. It felt so open, a clean and modern design with a few eccentric pieces of furniture much to Magnus’ liking. Alec’s smile grew when he saw how happy the place seemed to make his husband.

This was a new chapter in their life. A home together as husband and husband.

“It’s beautiful Magnus,” Alec pulled him into a warm encasing hug. The giddiness in Magnus caused him to pull Alec over to cuddle on the white leather couches, slightly toppling over some fur pillows. They were laughing into their Eskimo kisses as they enjoyed their first moments in their new home.

 

Magnus didn’t realize that a house could suddenly feel this empty.

How ironic it was that Alec passed away on a Monday night.

Sitting on the white couches felt cold. Foreign. It’s been a long day. Magnus had stayed at the funeral grounds longer than any other person, only leaving when Catarina begged him to go home. He exhaled sharply, not realizing he was holding on to his breath as if he was holding on to Alec’s memories in his heart as long as he could.

_We were so beautiful  
We were so tragic  
No other magic could ever compare_

The rain pattering softly on their skylight of the master bedroom had lulled Alec to sleep after a night of love-making, or so Magnus thought when Alec suddenly whispered.

“When was your first time? Do you still remember it?”

Magnus snorted at the second part of the question, but it was very endearing. He may be centuries old, but something that important doesn’t exactly just fade away that easily, even in so jaded a brain.

“Yes my love, I do remember,” he felt Alec turn around to face him, gently wrapping his arms around Magnus’ waist, warm and reassuring. Alec stayed quiet, waiting patiently as he always does when asking about Magnus’ past. Under the sheets, Magnus pulled him closer so that Alec’s head rested gently over his heartbeat.

“I was seventeen, to a woman who was probably not the best person in everyone’s eyes in society at those times. She was a mundane who had seen my eyes and became strangely fascinated by them. I then realized that she was actually a warlock targeting my father and used me as a pawn to bait him” Magnus felt Alec’s hand rubbing soothing circles on his back as if to give him permission to go on.

“It was a stupid fling and almost made me swear off sex for the rest of my life,” Magnus smiled “Almost.”

Alec chuckled softly before pulling out to meet his eyes. There was so much love expressed in them that it made Magnus’ heart swell.

“Then I am extremely thankful that my first time was with a loving gentleman who didn’t have any ulterior motives” he whispered and then laid a gentle peck on Magnus’ lips, which had quickly formed into a smile.

“Are you sure about that?” they both laughed before going back to cuddling with the rain in the background.

_Lost myself, seventeen  
Then you came, found me  
No other magic could ever compare_

 

The master bedroom was the hardest place for Magnus to return to when Alec died. It’s been a month since he stepped foot in here. It was ridiculous because Magnus has had countless rooms he called his own in countless countries over the centuries, others more personal than some. But this,

He stared sullenly at the dark double doors in front of him. Taking a deep breath, he let his hand hover over the doorknob. Most times they never bothered with using it as he would easily use magic to walk through or to get them in when they hastily need to get into their bed.

They shared so many memorable moments there. Secrets whispered in the dead of night, the most intense expressions of love and lust and even pain and anger and sadness. After long days of work, this was where they could unload and unwind. Whenever they fought, this was their safe zone, where both could be open and eventually reach a truce if only to find themselves back in each other’s embrace. This was Alec and Magnus’ room. Now it just felt like four walls enclosing a space that once held meaning, now it held air and stuff. Why did they have so much stuff?

He turned the handle and walked in. His heart clenched at the familiarity and the torrent of emotions that overcame him. There was proof of their life here everywhere. The clothes tossed carelessly on the floor. The pictures and memorabilia scattered on dressers, sticky notes on the walls, and even the stain of red wine on the side table from one of their clumsier nights.

It was all he could think of before he snapped his fingers, weakly.

All the framed photographs were safely tucked away in some storage unit he had in New York. The clothes of his late husband all cleared from the floors and the closet. It looked so bland and ugly now. Stripped of Alec.

He couldn’t even muster the strength to reach the bed before he broke down in tears on the floor, letting the heavy gloom overtake him.

_There's a room_  
_In my heart with the_ memories _we made_  
_Took 'em down but they're still in their frames_  
_There's no way I could ever forget, mmm_

 

Catarina left him another text message as she does when this particular day comes around. This is the second year without Alexander in his life. He thought it would’ve been easier by now. This was not the first time he had outlived someone he loved, but this one was vastly different. Even his dear friend knew, making sure to check up on him to see if he was okay. No, he was not okay, but to she checked to see if he needed her company.

“I’m good. Thank you, Catarina,” this was his quick reply before shoving his phone in his pocket. He held the box of mementoes in front of him as he sat down in the kitchen. Oh how they fought too often about the contents of this box and what it meant.

The immense dejection he felt now was more painful than any fights they ever had. At least then, there was two of them.

Alexander had his own box. Small, black, simple, and handpicked by the shadowhunter himself.

_“If I’m going to end up in a box, I want it to be this one”_

He had come home one day from a mission with Jace somewhere from a remote location and brought home a box that was given to him as a thanks by a warlock child they had ended up protecting and befriending. And so this was his box. This stupid box that jabbed his raw broken heart each time he opened it.

_For as long as I live and as long as I love_  
_I will_ never _not think about you_  
_You, mmm_  
_I will_ never _not think about you_

 

The first thing that caught his attention from the box was an arrowhead. He resisted the urge to groan as this brought up so many memories of unpleasant conversations. But this wasn’t just any arrow, this was the one that had saved Magnus when they had first met. After Alec had shot that stupid circle member, he couldn’t help but save that piece, especially after seeing how utterly adorable Alec was as he stuttered on his own name.

_From the moment I loved, I knew you were the one  
And no matter what I-I do, ooh, mmm  
I will never not think about you_

 

Magnus may have had many many lovers in his lifetime, but he always wondered how it must be like to have only had one. Sometimes he envied Alec for being able to have that.

“Shadowhunters only love once, and fiercely, and you’re it for me Magnus” Alec had told him that once when he had foolishly accused him of a sign of infidelity. Oh, how wrong Magnus had been when he realized that Alec had been secretly meeting with another man to plan a surprise party for their anniversary.

He hated his immortality for how it had robbed him of the absolute bliss of falling in love once, deeply and loyally.

But with how much pain he is still in after years of not having Alec, he was wondering if maybe he did have that love. That once in a lifetime love that is immeasurably more than he had ever and he knows for certain that he will never feel this way for anyone ever again. Alexander Lightwood was the one his heart desired and was created for to love.

_What we had only comes  
Once in a lifetime  
For the rest of mine, always compare_

 

“Please Magnus, are you sure about this?”

He could see the desperate plea on his friend’s face. But he nodded, he was absolutely sure about his decision.

“Catarina,” he kept a steady gaze as much as his resolve was and felt relieved when she sighed, handing over the bottle of a mixture she had hesitatingly concocted for him.

It has been a decade since Alec's death. The **worst** 10 years of his long life.

And he couldn’t take it anymore.

After the last of the Lightwoods passed away, he couldn’t bear it anymore. There was nothing and no one physically binding Alec to this world anymore and it hit Magnus hard.

The potion was what he sought to be a final closure on their story together. He knew he was half-demon and whatever might come after might not be pleasant.

But if it gave him even the slimmest chance to see Alexander again, it was better than living in this life where he knows that Alec isn’t here.

They were in his master bedroom, where he thought it was the best place to succumb to the arms of Hades.

After one last hug from his friend, he swallowed the potion and laid down on their bed, closing his eyes and saying goodbye to the life he had lived.

All the memories, happy, sad, the wars, the laughs, the battles and the victories- they all faded away.

_To the room_  
_In my heart with the_ memories _we made_  
_Nights on fifth, in between B and A_  
_There's no way I could ever forget, mmm_

 

“Magnus”

There was grass under his feet and just sky. Open light and warmth spread through him as he opened his arms to the expanse around him.

“Magnus!”

At this, he opened his eyes and looked at the figure in front of him. It was an angel. It was his angel.

“Alexander,” his voice came out barely above a whisper.

There was a brief pause. Their eyes connected and they could just feel that their souls were connected at that moment. Nothing else mattered because they were here. Together.

“I’ve missed you”

They ran into each other, limbs wrapping roughly and lips connecting passionately.

“I love you”

_We were so beautiful  
We were so tragic  
No other magic could ever compare_

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> I will continue doing mini malec stories based off songs, hopefully not as tragic as this one.


End file.
